At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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