Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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