Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm really busy with my period
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