You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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