I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
