I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Randomize
