apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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