Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
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