i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
