My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
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