so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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