Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
