What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
my poor anus
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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