I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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