I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
