I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
