She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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