My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
