You don't have asthma, your pregnant
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
