Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
