Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
