You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
