As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
