Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
I love having hate sex.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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