I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Randomize
