That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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