she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize