I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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