had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
