She went from zero to smokin in five shots
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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