she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
We had sex on a dog bed..
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
