i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
