You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
