One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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