i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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