420 ftw
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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