Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize