whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
