Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
