omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Randomize
