I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
