Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
