You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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