Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
