I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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