the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
