It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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