I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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