not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
