turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
