It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
