ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
