i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
