i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Use "feeling words"
Yay
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
