Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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