I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
