If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
