ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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